my friends list is asploding with 'omg lj is going tits up wtfbbq.' i love the internet.

in case you've missed it, here is the article that made everyone go apeshit. you can get more up-to-date (and better fact checked, i'm sure) info in this post at the_lj_herald and this post over at no_lj_ads. this includes lists of those no longer with lj. these lists haven't changed since about 2pm pdt, so i'm considering them fairly complete at this point; they also jive with the current numbers.

* the article originally stated 20 out of 28 employees were laid off. this is incorrect and somewhat misleading. first off, the number is more like 12 or 13 people laid off, and the article has actually been updated to reflect this (tho with no notification of said correction/mistake which just reminds all of us that gawker/valleywag is not the paragon of fact checking/truthsaying... tho 'truthiness' is probably pretty close. and besides, they keep calling lj a social network. this isn't the place to go into why it's *not* a social network, but suffice it to say... it's not. they need to get plugged into reality.). also, this seems to be mostly sf-based staff only [tho i could be wrong on this, it is what is being reported elsewhere]. lj has staff in areas other than sf and moscow, and none of them seem to be affected.

* name me a company that isn't cost cutting at the moment. srsly. everyone is, either through layoffs or other means. yes, if the 'no severence package' business is true then that's pretty shitty and not a good sign... but the press release lj put out does say they are "receiving support" from the company... until we know what that support entails, we can't speculate.

* lj is a valuable commodity. sup spent $30 million or so to buy lj a year ago. they are going to try and get their money's worth before they pull the plug, and that is everything up to and including finding a new buyer. (this is complicated by the userbase lj has, which is incredibly outspoken and used to having a say in the administration of the site, aka what my nebulous thesis will be covering. that complicates things a bit, but someone, i'm sure, will have the balls to take a chance on us if it gets to that point.)

frankly, i'm concerned more with the consolidation of positions to moscow than the possibility of lj going the way of the dodo. it breaks my objectivity to say i don't trust sup further than i could throw them (a bias i have to work to overcome wrt that nebulous research), and we've already seen culture clashes to a certain degree with the way they do business over there and what we expect over here. i worry more about the ways they've tried to change the culture of lj more than anything else... but i had that same worry about 6a too.

anyways, i'm not getting my panties in a bunch over this. i may backup my lj in the coming days... mostly because i've been meaning to do so for *years* now and just never gotten around to it and this is as good a stimulus as anything.

that being said, i'm crawling back under the blankets now. it's dark under here but you know what... it's safe. the only safe place i can find anymore. even this isn't 100% but it's closer than anywhere else.

as a followup to my last post, where we are constantly cutting education and yet are constantly surprised and worried about how horrible our children are learning, i would like to direct you to this post in academics_anon.

our children are not learning. this needs to be fixed. NOW. this is ridiculous. and i am absolutely horrified.

restore education funding. immediately. do NOT jeopardize our futures.

suddenly, i am glad i will not ever be marrying or having children. i don't think i could handle having children in schools who lead them to these types of conclusions.

community colleges to be hurt by state budget woes

in other news, water is wet.

every time there is a budget shortfall, it seems the first place the government has gone is to education. and yet they complain about our schools being somewhere around 48th-50th in the nation, that our kids aren't ready for college, and even if they do get to college, they aren't graduating.

during an economic downturn, it is absolutely insane to cut the community college budget. far from being the red-haired bastard stepchild of education that everyone treats them as, community colleges provide a great service. for one, they prepare students for college way better than *any* high school in california. my 'college prep' courses absolutely did not prepare me for college. one professor told me we'd be doing all groupwork in her ap english course because 'that's how it is in college.' i don't know what college she went to, but every one of them i've been to saw classes that were all lecture or seminar. no classes where we were given no direction except each other. but i digress.

they prepare us for college. studies have shown that students who transfer from a community college are more likely to graduate on time with a four-year degree. community colleges provide two year degrees that can get people quickly into the workforce. the teachers i had as a network engineering major were professionals actually working in the field, and therefore were able to teach us about things much better than those stuffy professors who'd never touched a computer outside a classroom. community colleges provide training for a lot of those professions that we depend on regularly, that we forget about in our push to give all of our kids four year degrees: mechanics, vet assistants, medical assistants, some nurses, the list goes on and on.

when the economy goes bad, where do all those laid off workers go? to the community colleges. i was one of them, many years ago. the california education mandate states that *anyone* can go to a community college. their doors are always open. no one should be turned away. we can retrain, finding a job in a field that might actually be hiring. some of us use it as an academic door... and find ourselves going on for higher degrees, bolstered by a professor who took an interest.

now the budgets are getting slashed. as are the csu and uc budgets. coupled with csu's starting to only accept those applicants who live in their 'service areas' and lowering their admission numbers, and our economic slump, the community colleges are about to be inundated with students. and now, they have to start turning them away. and laying off part-time professors. in a time when they need to be adding more classes and serving more people, they cannot.

therefore, people who need retraining won't be able to get it. they will stay on the unemployment rosters longer, go deeper into debt, lose places to live. more younger students will be derailed in starting their own careers as they wait for a spot to open so they can continue their educations. all of these people will be unable to pay the taxes that keep our economy going, making our budget crisis worse.

so how will all this make things better, exactly?

how about this: why don't we cut the pay we give to these 'legislators' who really aren't doing anything except arguing like kids in a sandbox. why don't we look at all the wasted money in our budget and trim that fat. why doesn't arnold move to sacramento so we don't have to pay to fly him from LA all the damned time. i'm sure if we did that, we'd suddenly have enough money to fund education, to fund health programs, infrastructure, and all those other things that are getting slashed. those things can help create jobs, boost the taxes people pay, and move us forward.

and quit the bickering. it is unbecoming of adults and gets nothing done. grow up, sacramento. do the job we sent you there to do.

one irb proposal. draft one anyways. i feel very garbled in it. i hope i'm not. jan'll tell me i'm sure... she won't pull punches on something like this.

now i'm officially done with fall semester. what a crappy semester. worst ever, i'd say.

i think i've earned my drinking tonight. yay?

are there enough other orphans around to justify an xmas dinner? i mean more than like me and one or two other people... i'd need at least three.

i'm willing to do some kind of ham/fowl/something for dinner, if anyone else would like to pitch in and potluck some of the other fixin's. i'm also willing to host here... no i don't have a big nice house, big screen hdtv, a nice backyard etc etc etc. but i do have a cozy apartment, a wii, monty python, and a boo who loves company.

if you're interested, plz to comment. and say what you'd like to bring. I'd love to have something of the following:

bread
something maincourseish for the veggies among us
some sort of veggie side dish (green bean casserole, reg green beans, corn, etc. something)
potatoes/starch of some kind. tho i could do that too, depending on our meaty main course.
veggie tray
wine, if so desired
any other sides anyone loves
any other hor'd'ourves anyone else loves
pie/dessert of some sort

(don't feel you have to home-cook any of this stuff. if you want to buy it and bring it, i will not be offended or complain! it's not about what you bring or where it came from, it's that you came.)

if there's enough folks interested, then we can make some plans for dinner and games (board, card, wii, whutevar). i'm happy to open my kitchen to heat up foods, but as for preparing, my kitchen ain't that big, so i'd ask that any prepwork you do at home, and just bring it to my house for heating. also, bring containers for leftovers!

(if there's enough folks, i may need some extra chairs, tables, etc. that we will ascertain once we have a number)

if i'd thought of this earlier, i'd have gotten my grandmother's china from sac. oh well.

so i read the internets. and i find out that students at my former school are having a sit-in.

the ny times article didn't specify, but the students have set up a website of course, and they state they're holed up in the cafeteria at 65 Fifth... my old building.

the only thing is, that's a tiny little area. that cafeteria is not horribly big, tho i get why they chose it (they're right; it's the most central of all the new school buildings, and if you want to disrupt, it is also one of the few dining areas). the thing i'm sort of amused at is that we were lead to believe when i was still there that the building would be torn down during the summer of 2007 to make way for the new building. a year and a half later, it is still there. amused. i r it.

eyebrow deep in end of semester madness. final tomorrow. irb draft 1 due to dr. jan on friday. then i owe her. damned anthropologists and their reciprocity. she's already told me there will be more stick than carrot next term. which is fine, she's been way more accomodating than i ever expected her to be. i already told her i would probably do that little subtle pushback and be a little grumpy, but she said she expected that. so we're on the same page. i still just don't care. i just want to curl on the couch and stare blankly at the tv. yanno someone actually paid money to a bunch of researchers to discover that depressed people watch more tv? i hear their next study will be proving the wetness of water.

had lunch with merchimerch today, which was very nice. realized i'd gone since thursday without meaningful human interaction. yeah. see why i love my life so much?

i ordered myself a set of poi last week from home of poi. didn't realize, until after ordering, that the things would be coming from new zealand(!). however, they rule as i ordered last sunday and said poi and instructional dvd arrived today. i ordered fluffy poi, as they were labeled to be 'ideal for beginners' and the 250 reviews bore that out. i ordered colour 'furple' which, i have to say, is not what i was expecting and will most likely be sending them back for a different colour (probably lava, but maybe purple). i've been playing with them off and on today, and true to form i whacked myself in the head. and, true to form, it didn't hurt. i can spin backwards pretty well. forward takes thought to make them not cross. doing them asynchronously is difficult. helping not is a) not having a large clear area to spin in, and b) a boo. who is fascinated by these fuzzy spinning things and wants to help.

i really need lessons. someone to stand with me and show me why, exactly, my poi are crossing in the front and how to hold my hands (they don't cross badly, but they do definitely spin in instead of straight). and maybe figure out why i go all wonky when i go asynchronous. but the only lessons i can find are fairly expensive and are up in the city. which, well, i don't really want to do right now. for now, i'll stick with my dvd, which isn't quite the same but it's all good. it is kinda fun. i don't work with them for long periods because i'm horribly out of shape, but i play for a bit and then go back to workwork. and home of poi totally rules. i will pimp them out forever. i emailed them about exchanging my poi and the guy was awesome (and amused by my use of the phrase 'wowie zowie' when i emailed them... i'm still impressed the shipment made it from .nz -> here in a week), and fast! so if you need poi, go there. and tell me. i can give you a code to get a 5% discount (and i get a commission. woot).
( the bad places )

another a on the paper i termed 'thesis lite.'

my thesis might actually have meat to it. two a's on two papers in this field show this.

and i still don't really care. i should. a few months ago, i'd be chattering with glee, bubbling about and being so excited that i had this proof of concept.

part of me wants to be mad. the majority of me just shrugs and feels more miserable.

but at least i know i'm not barking up the wrong tree and won't be wasting any time on this line of research. that's something, i guess. now to start that irb proposal.

my lit major side is coming out.

i'm watching sweeny todd.

i'm mrs. lovett.

guess who todd is.

more alcohol. too bad i'm almost out.

the strife going on at my former school.

the above linked story has good info, but some of the comments over at the gothamist are worth noting.

especially the one which says 'the new school has no respect for its students.'

you might remember the troubles i had before i even left for new york... an admissions letter that arrived a month late, losing my intent to register, the absolute zilch of information i recieved with regard to my housing, problems getting through to people who could answer my questions, not to mention the issues and probems in my own department...

the fact that they've been through five provosts in seven years is not a ringing endorsement. the provost is in charge of academics. if you have no focus on academics... what business do you have being an institution of higher learning?

i am sad to see this. the new school has the chance to be a great institution... but i think one of its fatal flaws is that it is eight separate schools under one banner. that division, coupled with the lack of academic direction, will cause issues for years to come if it is ignored for much longer.

small gains:
* turned in my last paper, analyzing news as a social network. told dr. jan that it's more like 'thesis lite' than actual social network analysis. was told she expected that. makes me wish i hadn't cobbled in so much social network stuff there at the end. ending sucks. oh well.

* classes ended today.

great loss:

i am not done on the 17th as i'd hoped/planned. original finals plan: anth take-home due monday. philosophy in-class wednesday. fall over wednesday nite.

however. i have that whole 'independent study' business, that i put together before my life went to shit. my advisor, as usual, is awesome. she was willing to give me the incomplete should i want it. or. i could finish my irb proposal, and owe her big time for giving me the credit for the course instead.

so, my first draft irb proposal is due on the 19th. so i'm not done a week from today. i'm done a week from friday. sigh.

tonight: relax
tomorrow and friday: read for my anth final since i haven't read anything since i got dumped.
saturday and sunday: write take-home final
monday: turn in final. start reading for philosophy final
tuesday: also read for final.
wednesday: philosophy final.
thursday and friday: write proposal draft. email to jan on friday.

plus, work on proposal if/when i finish stuff earlier.

then over break... edit and submit irb proposal. reading. a lot of it. thesis proposal so i can advance to candidacy. finally.

oh and maybe get my printer working?

at least i can fill my time time with things to do since i have no life anymore. school to the rescue again as my convinent excuse.

but books are cold at night. and terrible bed partners.

my school has failed on three fronts.

last night, just before midnight, i get an email saying i have a message waiting for me at the school's integrated whatchigigger, peoplesoft. this is fail number one; if you want to tell me something, email it to me. don't email me to tell me to check somewhere else for a message. fail.

said message stated there had been a strike called for today. classes would be held, it said, the library open, dorms open, food services open, etc etc etc. it also says that if we are harrassed by strikers to contact security immediately and goes on and on about basically how horrible the strikers could maybe possibly be. i think 'oh fun. excitement tomorrow' and go to bed.

i wake up this morning and see in both insidehighered and the sacbee, that the strike was called off. and this was announced even before that message went out to me. the sac bee's article was posted at 11:30pm. which means that said call-off happened, at the latest, around 11pm or so. almost a full hour before i even got notification of the strike happening.

there has been no word from sjsu stating that the strike will no longer be happening.

fail: 2) for not updating the student body as to the status on the strike, 3) for using a messaging system that apparently takes so effing long to send messages to students. what if this were an actual emergency? a lot of us would be screwed.

fail.

i wonder who i report such fail-attude to.

one of the things we always talked about was the idea of 'being a rokkstarr.' (him: rockstar. me: rokkstarr. or poptart. (just seeing if dee is still out there))

of having all that knowledge and being teh awesomes in your field. he already was a rockstar. he was waiting for me to be one. i guess he got tired of waiting.

ironically, it looks as though he didn't wait long enough.

last week, i wrote my first paper which i saw as the first test of my thesis idea. for my computer ethics class, i wrote on the idea that in web 2.0, neither prosumer nor corporation holds true ownership of any site; that both need to work together and hold joint ownership. i got to toy with some new ideas; the idea of the prosumer (boellstorff), of a recursive public (kelty). i also toyed with some older ideas; imagined communities (anderson), trust.

i was quite disappointed when i was done. i felt unfocused and unorganized, having written the paper basically in two days. i cursed my option to write one long paper instead of the two shorter papers the class required. i cursesd my lack of focus, my lack of caring, my lack of concentration.

the paper came back today with an a, my prof telling me he's actually disappointed i don't have a second paper to write to expand on some of the ideas in ths paper (especially the trust one, which i came up with late in the paper and didn't have the time or space to expand upon more), and how much he enjoyed my paper. and how apparently he wants to argue the idea of an 'onine community' with me. and part of me wants to give a quirky smile and say 'bring it on.' and part of me just reads it, smiles slightly, and puts it away uncaringly.

i'm having a rokkstarr moment. or at least the beginning of one. and i don't even know if i care. i always have them when i'm at the absolute depths of loneliness and despair.

why can't i have it all?

so for years i've been saying i wanted to do pub trivia. with my scary mad skillz gleaned through genetics and being a grad student, i figure i could do decently well at it. need a team tho. seems as though i'd mention it to certain various people, and yet nothing would happen.

come to find out, rumour has it that the pub right down the street from my house does pub trivia on mondays.

anybody wanna go with me some monday? after finals, o'course. if nothing else, to try out the ambiance and pub food.

i hate it. i hate it so much.
( as promised, the lj cut for depression talking )

i've got a broken heart for every light on broadway. when one of them goes out, i just screw in another one, right? hello, goodbye.

-miss chichi, to wong foo

so. hi.

fear not lj, i have not harmed myself at least physically.

i stopped posting because, well, i'm depressed. and you guys don't need to see any more of that. i've already been yelled at for it, so you don't need to do it again, thank you. needless to say, said yellings at have done absolutely nothing to make me feel better. trust me, if my own mother yelling at me won't make me feel better, no one else will either.

for someone whose mini-bio at facebook declares that she 'lives online', and someone who at least a few months ago had very firm plans to work in arenas with online stuff... i find myself feeling incredibly alienated from my online homes. i am still reading lj, still checking in on facebook, and still in irc (as much as it hurts and pains me, it is where some of my only human interaction is anymore). i'm not in im because, well, no one really talks to me there much so why? i don't take my cell phone with me hardly anywhere anymore for the same reason. i've already knocked the plan back pretty far, i'm starting to consider cancelling the damned thing. seriously, i rarely get calls or texts anymore, i really only use it to talk to my folks. i can probably find a cheaper ld plan and save myself some cash.

anyways.

i was saying that i was feeling alienated from my online homes. and i do. i just don't care. in a scholarly way i do, because i still believe the future of culture is here. in web 2.0, in blogs, in social networks, on the 'net period in whatever form it takes next. but as to my own involvement... it's hard to be enthused anymore. this is a space i have shared with all of you, and with him, for a very, very long time. it is so hard to share this space now.

i'll try to stay a little more updated just to let you guys know i'm still here, for whoever still cares. for those of you who do, i really appreciate it. i really do. you have no idea how much. yes i know i need to be taking better care of myself. i am eating (not a ton, but yes i am eating), i am sleeping (fitfully sometimes and with dreams that see me in tears, but most nights it's a full 8 hours). oh and bathing and caring for boo (eta: the bathing happens to me, not boo. life. i chooses it. it makes me boring and non-adventurous, but i still chooses it). anything else has kind of peetered out.
( tl;dr, yes i'm here, yes i'm still sad, pls don't yell at me for it, school update, etc )

by the way, if you have a wii and animal crossing, we should trade friend codes. i have no friends, and i'd like to play swapsies and get some different fruit in my town.

also btw, if any of you out there have any interest in anthropology (which really isn't anyone anymore i know... i lost my one person i could geek to and know they'd actually be almost as stoked as me), i found two cool blogs last week. savage minds is a basic anthro blog, with a lot of contemporary issues which are really cool and interesting, good food for thought even for ppl who aren't anthropologists. one of the guys who posts to it wrote this great book i found at the aaa's a few weeks back which i think a lot of my geek friends would enjoy. chris kelty is quickly joining my list of favourite anthropologists. terra nova is a blog specifically devoted to research (of all disciplines) surrounding online worlds. both blogs give me good food for thought. when my brain actually decides to work.

i spent the last of a gift card i got for xmas last year at joann's. i ordered stuff off their website. ups claims it was delivered at 2:30 yesterday.

it is not here.

i've been dumped, i've had packages disappear, i've had all manner of things fucking blow up in my face all goddamned month, i've been shattered, crushed, broken, had my faith lost, dreams smashed to pieces...

... why do i bother with anything? seriously. there really is no point to anything. i should just drop out of school, find someone better to care for boo, and go live under a bridge or something.

i'm beginning to wonder if i should even bother voting. why get my hopes up yet again just to have them smashed and shattered?

I miss him more than ever today. I understand the frustration of not having someone to share this work with.